My family moved from Chicago to Washington DC when I was fifteen.
At the time I mostly mourned the loss of friendships. I missed my grandparents and extended family as well, but the friendships were more immediate. We made annual trips back but, of course, it wasn’t the same.
Eight years later my grandfather died. At his funeral I realized how much closer my cousins, who had always lived nearby, still were to Nana and Pa. I was suddenly acutely aware of the loss the physical distance had created. Even if we moved back I couldn’t make up those years. I felt a double loss, both the past and future ripped away from me.
It used to be that families stayed with the farm, in the town, at least close proximity. Kids grew up with cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles, neighborhood friends and families. Lifelong connections were the norm. In our mobile society, though, we are missing those. To fill that void we’ve come to rely more and more on peer friendships for those close, core connections.
The problem is that those connections are horizontal. Our friends tend to be mostly people in our own age group or life stage (career, young kids, retired), or who share our personal beliefs in areas such as religion and politics.
We need to be sure we have both horizontal and vertical connections.
A vertical connection would be anyone who is younger or older, in a different life stage, different religious/political/socioeconomic status, significantly different from you in some way.
There are three types of core connections you need—people behind you, beside you, and before you.
1. Peers and those with similar ideologies would be people beside you.
2. People behind you include children, mentees, students, anyone you have more experience than or can help.
3. People before you would be parents and grandparents, mentors, coaches, bosses, people with age and experience (they do tend to go together). They can be people who are where we want to be five or ten years from now in wisdom, career, relationship, etc. They can be people of differing religious, political, socioeconomic backgrounds.
Here’s a hint: the more uncomfortable the thought of a conversation with them makes you feel, the better a connection they can be.
So schedule a time and get together. Buy them coffee or lunch. Plan an activity. Do it face to face if you can at all, and ear to ear if you have to.
If you’re not sure where to find those people, keep your eyes, ears, and heart open. Pay attention.
Here are a few out of the box ideas to get you thinking not only of who to connect with, but some of the benefits:
Millennials in a Retirement Home
Preschool in a Nursing Home
Brothers and Sisters of the Big Variety
All it takes is some effort to stay connected. In this day and age, even a cross-country move doesn’t have to feel like it.
Did your text message test your patience? Ever need to save face on Facebook? Twitter have you all atwitter?
Messaging is both a blessing and a curse.
Personally, I love it. It’s lower pressure than talking. I can respond in my own time. I can craft the message my way, which includes proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. And most importantly, I can go back and read it when I can’t remember what was actually said.
It turns out that I’m not alone. According to statistics:
1) Texting is most used data system in world
2) Texting is the most used form of communication for American adults under 50
3) 33% Americans prefer text to call
4) Here’s one that really got me: The average American spends 23 hours PER WEEK texting
So, it’s not just me.
The great news is that we are more connected than at any other time in history. Oddly enough though, we feel more disconnected, dissatisfied, and isolated.
Is messaging to blame? Not entirely. It’s a far more complicated issue. But relying on messaging as a primary form of communication does contribute to the problem because messages are written. We rely solely on our words to relay our messages. As great as GIFs and emojis are, they don’t make up for important cues like facial expression, body language, and various qualities of voice like tone, volume, and inflection. Missed cues lead to miscommunication.
We’ve all had that happen. You send a message and the reply you receive doesn’t fit what you thought you said, especially if it was in jest. If it’s not recognized and fixed it will lead to drama, stress, and potentially eating gallons of ice cream.
Messaging is good for information, but if you want connection, you’ve got to talk, either by phone or in person.
Arrange the conversation device to device, but have the conversation ear to ear, or face to face. I like to think of the progression alphabetically: D-E-F, Device--Ear--Face.
Yes, messaging can be quicker and possibly more comfortable. Phone calls and talking in person can feel like more time and effort. Fortunately, it will be worth the trouble because you’ll have less drama, less time spent trying to fix the problems miscommunication causes, and less need to buy new clothes.
Here’s what to do: take a few of those 23 hours per week we spend messaging, and call or meet up. This is especially valuable for our core connections, the people who are closest and most important to us like family, friends, mentors, etc.
Try it for a week, then come back and tell us how much less time you spent muttering under your breath and how much less money you spent in the frozen food aisle.
I took a break from writing blog posts to try videoing them. That hasn't worked as well as I'd hoped. I have much to share with you and videoing those messages took a lot more time and effort than I was expecting. SO...I"m back to writing, offering messages intended to improve your life and relationships..
In case you wonder where my "Christian" posts have gone, they're still here. God isn't left out. He's woven into every word and decision. The entire fabric is Him and speaks of Him, like all of creation. Those who wish to see will see. Those who don't will not, but their lives will still be improved.
Thanks for coming along for the ride. Here we go!
Creating Systems for Courageous Kindness
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