 Image by engin akyurt from Pixabay Infertility triggered the worst depression I’ve been through. After four years, several procedures and surgeries, many drugs and the mental insanity that comes from some of them, we were no closer to having a baby than before we started. My husband was not interested in adopting and I had given up hope of ever being a mom. To add insult to injury, I felt abandoned and betrayed by the God who supposedly was my friend. My husband and I loved and served God and knew we would be great parents but God was not helping me get the one thing I wanted more than anything else. If he was going to ignore me, I would ignore him. I turned my back on God, to the point where I wasn’t sure any God even existed, much less one loved me and had a good plan for my life. People grieve mightily when they can’t have children, but I didn’t know of anyone who took it harder than I did. I began to consciously take stock of where I was and how I got there. I realized there were several factors at play. The first was a narrow focus. I was so focused only on the baby I did not have to the point I couldn’t even see, much less enjoy, what I did have. Things like my great husband, good job, nice house, reliable car, awesome family and friends. They weren’t even on the periphery. I decided to refocus. I wrote down everything I was grateful for, and I was shocked at how long the list grew to be. I also told people how I loved and appreciated them. This practice retrained my brain to not only look for the good in every situation, but to find it. Science confirms that gratitude is foundational to mental health, and a daily gratitude practice will rewire your brain to become increasingly grateful and happy. I found myself slowly becoming happier, but I knew I needed more. I needed something to look forward to that was not a baby, to not only look at my past and present, but ahead to the future. I remembered a forgotten creative outlet and started work on a new project. I didn’t realize it at the time, but each time I made a creative decision I was increasing my happiness. Solving problems releases dopamine. That’s why games and puzzles make us feel good. Every correct answer or connected piece is a small problem solved. For a five hundred piece puzzle, you’ve solved five hundred small problems, releasing five hundred hits of dopamine. Each creative decision sparked dopamine. With the tools of gratitude and creativity I learned to create my own happiness. If I can create my own happiness, then it’s not about what I receive, or what I do or don’t deserve. Therefore no one else is responsible for my happiness. Including God. I began to examine how I had arrived at my beliefs about God, particularly friendship. What is friendship? Isn’t the definition to do whatever you can to make each other happy? The short answer is yes, your friend’s happiness is a big priority. You do things for your friend’s happiness that you wouldn’t for the general public, or even acquaintances. But there’s far more to friendship than happiness. It’s a mutually supportive relationship built on trust, on truth and experience, between peers, equals. But God is not my peer, and—huge reality check--our relationship is in no way an equal partnership. It’s also far beyond a friendship. God is my thoughtful creator, wise shepherd, gentle master, strong defender, abundant provider, heart healer, dutiful and loving parent, and a truly trustworthy friend in all aspects of true friendship. I had focused on the hole to the exclusion of the whole. And he knew I would never be truly happy simply by getting what I want. He knew I needed a new and better perspective, and an expanded heart, in order to be all I’m designed to be, to all those I’m called to love. I made it all about me, when it’s all about us, and everyone. He was withholding something good from my entitled self until I grew into someone much better. Someone with a much larger, and truer, perspective, focused on relationships rather than happiness alone. Someone who wrestled, fought, ignored, and left, but who came back a stronger, deeper, fuller person than before. But he stayed. And always will. When I finally gave birth to two miracle sons, the more that I became made me a better mom that I ever could have been before.
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 Photo Credit: Pexels Paul passed away. I didn’t go to his funeral.
It would have been awkward. You see, I never met Paul, never spoke to him. I only know him because he was a dear friend of my friend, Lisa. We had been praying for his healing for months. He had been doing well, and we didn’t see this coming. We were both devastated. After he died, she told me, “We were part of this. This is what God let us see. We were witnesses.” Witnesses. That word resonated with me. To witness is to look upon, look into. It’s active, not passive, not a glance or a gaze, but really seeing. It’s focusing, paying attention. A witness has a level of intimacy that a bystander or observer do not. A witness is an insider, privy to births and deaths, birthdays and anniversaries, to milestones great and small, public and private, mundane and quiet. A witness in a trial testifies, under oath, that their part of the larger story is the truth as best they know it, as honestly as they can tell it. They express what they experienced--what they saw, what they heard. Nothing more. Nothing less. They don’t guess at anyone else’s part. If they do, it’s considered conjecture and dismissed. They can only relate the parts of the story they know to be true. It takes courage to bear witness, to expose part of yourself to people who may not believe you belong in the story, or who wish you didn’t. They may not believe your part of the story. They may reject it, and possibly you. But no one can take away what you see, hear, or feel. They can’t tell you what you experienced. Your witness is your own, TO own. Right here, right now, you are reading my words, and are therefore privy to my thoughts, beliefs, and life. We are connected. You can choose to be a bystander in my story, an observer, or you can choose to bear witness. You can express what you experience, what you see and hear, in this small connection point in both of our lives. Let’s not wait until a funeral to embrace it.  Courtesy of Pixabay My family moved from Chicago to Washington DC when I was fifteen.
At the time I mostly mourned the loss of friendships. I missed my grandparents and extended family as well, but the friendships were more immediate. We made annual trips back but, of course, it wasn’t the same. Eight years later my grandfather died. At his funeral I realized how much closer my cousins, who had always lived nearby, still were to Nana and Pa. I was suddenly acutely aware of the loss the physical distance had created. Even if we moved back I couldn’t make up those years. I felt a double loss, both the past and future ripped away from me. It used to be that families stayed with the farm, in the town, at least close proximity. Kids grew up with cousins, grandparents, aunts and uncles, neighborhood friends and families. Lifelong connections were the norm. In our mobile society, though, we are missing those. To fill that void we’ve come to rely more and more on peer friendships for those close, core connections. The problem is that those connections are horizontal. Our friends tend to be mostly people in our own age group or life stage (career, young kids, retired), or who share our personal beliefs in areas such as religion and politics. We need to be sure we have both horizontal and vertical connections. A vertical connection would be anyone who is younger or older, in a different life stage, different religious/political/socioeconomic status, significantly different from you in some way. There are three types of core connections you need—people behind you, beside you, and before you. 1. Peers and those with similar ideologies would be people beside you. 2. People behind you include children, mentees, students, anyone you have more experience than or can help. 3. People before you would be parents and grandparents, mentors, coaches, bosses, people with age and experience (they do tend to go together). They can be people who are where we want to be five or ten years from now in wisdom, career, relationship, etc. They can be people of differing religious, political, socioeconomic backgrounds. Here’s a hint: the more uncomfortable the thought of a conversation with them makes you feel, the better a connection they can be. So schedule a time and get together. Buy them coffee or lunch. Plan an activity. Do it face to face if you can at all, and ear to ear if you have to. If you’re not sure where to find those people, keep your eyes, ears, and heart open. Pay attention. Here are a few out of the box ideas to get you thinking not only of who to connect with, but some of the benefits: Millennials in a Retirement Home Preschool in a Nursing Home Brothers and Sisters of the Big Variety All it takes is some effort to stay connected. In this day and age, even a cross-country move doesn’t have to feel like it.  Photo by freestocks.org from Pexels Did your text message test your patience? Ever need to save face on Facebook? Twitter have you all atwitter?
Messaging is both a blessing and a curse. Personally, I love it. It’s lower pressure than talking. I can respond in my own time. I can craft the message my way, which includes proper grammar, spelling, and punctuation. And most importantly, I can go back and read it when I can’t remember what was actually said. It turns out that I’m not alone. According to statistics: 1) Texting is most used data system in world 2) Texting is the most used form of communication for American adults under 50 3) 33% Americans prefer text to call 4) Here’s one that really got me: The average American spends 23 hours PER WEEK texting So, it’s not just me. The great news is that we are more connected than at any other time in history. Oddly enough though, we feel more disconnected, dissatisfied, and isolated. Is messaging to blame? Not entirely. It’s a far more complicated issue. But relying on messaging as a primary form of communication does contribute to the problem because messages are written. We rely solely on our words to relay our messages. As great as GIFs and emojis are, they don’t make up for important cues like facial expression, body language, and various qualities of voice like tone, volume, and inflection. Missed cues lead to miscommunication. We’ve all had that happen. You send a message and the reply you receive doesn’t fit what you thought you said, especially if it was in jest. If it’s not recognized and fixed it will lead to drama, stress, and potentially eating gallons of ice cream. Messaging is good for information, but if you want connection, you’ve got to talk, either by phone or in person. Arrange the conversation device to device, but have the conversation ear to ear, or face to face. I like to think of the progression alphabetically: D-E-F, Device--Ear--Face. Yes, messaging can be quicker and possibly more comfortable. Phone calls and talking in person can feel like more time and effort. Fortunately, it will be worth the trouble because you’ll have less drama, less time spent trying to fix the problems miscommunication causes, and less need to buy new clothes. Here’s what to do: take a few of those 23 hours per week we spend messaging, and call or meet up. This is especially valuable for our core connections, the people who are closest and most important to us like family, friends, mentors, etc. Try it for a week, then come back and tell us how much less time you spent muttering under your breath and how much less money you spent in the frozen food aisle.  Image Courtesty of Pixabay I took a break from writing blog posts to try videoing them. That hasn't worked as well as I'd hoped. I have much to share with you and videoing those messages took a lot more time and effort than I was expecting. SO...I"m back to writing, offering messages intended to improve your life and relationships..
In case you wonder where my "Christian" posts have gone, they're still here. God isn't left out. He's woven into every word and decision. The entire fabric is Him and speaks of Him, like all of creation. Those who wish to see will see. Those who don't will not, but their lives will still be improved. Thanks for coming along for the ride. Here we go!  Photo credit: Pixabay Autumn brings cooler temperatures, colorful leaves, and my favorite holiday, Thanksgiving. No conjuring of Halloween hocus pocus, no pressure of Christmas presents, just food, family, and friends. I’m thankful for a great many things, and one of the biggest is growth. The fact that we can learn from life and share those lessons with others is one of my favorite things about being human. The connection of one heart and mind to another is one of the most beautiful and profound things in life. I’m grateful for all of you who take the time and energy to read my musings here at One Light Among Many. That I can say things that affect you is a privilege and responsibility I don’t take lightly. I want to do the best I can to give you something that leaves you better than before you stopped by here. I believe I can do a better job of it. To that end, I will be taking a brief hiatus from this blog to focus on two things: family and direction. The Christmas season is about my family, and the New Year is about direction. I’ve been listening, dreaming, learning, preparing, and have some exciting things planned for my return. I thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for your presence in my life here, and I look forward to seeing you early in 2018. Blessings to you all, Debbie Thank you for reading, sharing, and commenting. If you’d like to receive these posts and updates in your inbox, please head to the Contact Page to subscribe.
 Photo credit: Pexels I love quotes. I love personal growth. Put them together and you get these. If you know me in person, you’ve heard some of them. If you’re my kid, you’ve probably heard all of them. Choose Your Hard --Unknown It’s all potentially hard, so which hard would I rather deal with? Fold the clothes now or iron them later? Take the shower or lose friends due to stinkage? Dessert or extra workout? A little hurt now or a larger hurt later? Choose or life will choose for you. People who wonder if the glass is half-empty or half-full are missing the point. The glass is refillable –Unknown This epitomizes the Abundance Mindset, also known as, “There’s always more where that came from.” Greed and poverty come from the same Scarcity Mindset – there will never be enough. Generosity and risk-taking come from an Abundance Mindset. This is the good measure, pressed down, running over thing Jesus talked about in Luke 6. You can’t out-give God. Try it and see. WIN, or What’s Important Now? –Lou Holtz, legendary Notre Dame Football Coach. I’m much more productive thanks to this simple acronym. When confronted with several things that need to be done at once, or when tempted by distractions like Facebook, it brings instant clarity. Is Facebook important now? If so, why? At the very least it helps me act and not simply react. What Needs to Stay? – Various minimalist sources In my quest to remove Overwhelm from my life I’ve been decluttering my house, schedule, mind, and heart. Instead of asking, “What needs to go?” asking “What needs to stay?” has brought tremendous clarity to all these processes. It’s been especially powerful in working on my younger son’s bedroom, as it has transformed his mindset and made the process almost fun. When you buy the best, you only cry once. – Chinese proverb. It’s quality over quantity. Brings to mind what I call the Aggravation Factor, which falls in closely with the Choose Your Hard principle. Sacrifice for the higher quality item, or don’t and be aggravated when it doesn’t work/last/fit. If you keep trying, you are not failing. The only way you can fail is if you quit trying. If you’re still trying, even if you’re failing, you’re succeeding. –Mark Batterson, The Circle Maker This completely reframed risk-taking and failure for me. Failure is only final if you quit. FAIL = First Attempt In Learning. Fall down seven times, get up eight. This applies to everything from weight loss to raising children to achieving your dreams. Keep going and keep growing. Never try to write your best. Rewrite, each time, trying to make it better, until you can’t make it any better. – Brod Bagert Also, No thinking - that comes later. You must write your first draft with your heart. You rewrite with your head. The first key to writing is... to write, not to think! –Finding Forrester A friend of mine met Bagert at a library event. I checked him out on YouTube and, as a writer prone to writer’s block, I found this quote incredibly helpful. Both quotes really take the pressure off of “write your best” and help me conjure and capture my creative presence in the moment. I still struggle, but not as badly. Finally, as I was working on this post, my younger son came home from school. When I asked him about the letter I received stating that we owe a large amount of money for his school lunches, he said he would try to figure out why his lunch bills are not coming home. My reply? There is a solution to this problem, and he will find it. Do, or do not. There is no try. Thank you, Yoda. What are some of your life-changing quotes and principles? Thank you for reading, sharing, and commenting. If you’d like to receive these posts and updates in your inbox, please head to the Contact Page to subscribe.
 Photo credit: Pixabay “I have learned to be content whatever the circumstances. I know what it is to be in need, and I know what it is to have plenty. I have learned the secret of being content in any and every situation, whether well fed or hungry, whether living in plenty or in want.” (Philippians 4:11,12) Those words were written by a man named Paul who was imprisoned in Rome—living in a house but not allowed to leave, chained to a guard 24/7. Content whatever the circumstances? How is that even a category? What was his secret? “I can do all things through Christ who gives me strength.” (Philippians 4:13) Imprisoned but free. Think about that. Paul was a man. A regular guy. If contentment and freedom like that were available to him, it’s available to us. I believe it’s not only through Christ’s Spirit that Paul was able to be free, but by Christ’s example. Who lived a life with more freedom than Jesus? He didn’t care what people thought of him, didn’t compare himself to anyone, wasn’t distracted by the massive number of people who came to him for healing, owned nothing and felt no need to. He took time off to rest even though he only had three years to train twelve guys to change the world. He succumbed to no pressure, and couldn’t be bought. No one could hold anything over him because he was free from everything that would trip the rest of us up. He focused only on the things that really mattered—his identity as the beloved son and being led by the Spirit, never taking his eyes off his mission. If you were free from, what would you be free to? You would be free to be the strongest, boldest, gentlest, kindest, most loving, present in the moment, most fearless, focused, truest version of yourself. Free to live with fearless liberty, free to pursue a life few ever find. Thank you for reading, sharing, and commenting. If you’d like to receive these posts and updates in your inbox, please head to the Contact Page to subscribe.
 Photo Credit: Pixabay What if you could live your life and not care what anyone thinks? What if you weren’t distracted and discouraged by the drama, fear-mongering, societal pressure, and financial burdens that are so much a part of our lives? What if there wasn’t anything anyone could do that could ruin your mood or your day? If you could live your life this way, that would be freedom. Freedom is not “life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.” You may know your inalienable rights but the rights to truly being free may be alien to you. It’s not defined by external circumstances. Freedom is an internal condition. It’s not only freedom to, as in, do whatever you want, wherever, whenever, and however. It’s also freedom from. Freedom from is deeper and more powerful. It’s something no one can take from you. Not until you are free from can you be free to. Let’s say you win millions and millions of dollars in the lottery. Your first thought might be, “WHOO-HOO! I can quit my awful job, and have and do all the things I’ve always wanted to!” It’s true, you do have the financial freedom now to make those kinds of choices. But then, you have friends and family expecting you to cough up money for them and the government expecting you to fill their coffers. Your employer and co-workers expect your resignation, and society expects you to be resigned to volunteer for everything because they think Louie Armstrong is running “all the time in the world” in your head on a loop. Expectations. Responsibilities, real or imagined. Societal pressure. What if you lose it all? What if you lose your friends? What about maintaining, storing and insuring all the stuff you buy? You may end up more imprisoned in your life than you were before you won the lottery. But if you also have the ability to say “no” to all those requests, you would be freer. If you have the capacity to shut out the “shoulds” from your friends and family, that would be freeing. If you could take that great trip you always wanted to and not be distracted by what everyone thinks about you, what you might be missing or fearing that it could all be gone tomorrow, then you could be freer. Freedom is a state of mind. Come with me and we’ll find the road to that state. Thank you for reading, sharing, and commenting. If you’d like to receive these posts and updates in your inbox, please head to the Contact Page to subscribe.
 Photo credit: pixel2013 via Pixabay Of all the books I’ve read, these have made the biggest impact in my life. Some have even saved it. For my non-Christian readers, this list is all faith-based books. Even so, the information in them resonates far beyond religion, so don't blow them off. And not to worry, I have other lists planned which include non-faith-based ones, so stay tuned. These are books every Christian (and every person) should read. Total Forgiveness by RT Kendall No one gets out of this life unscathed. You WILL be hurt. Deeply. Profoundly. What you do with that pain determines the quality, and even quantity, of your days on this planet. Totally forgiving people is the hardest thing Christians are commanded to do, but also the most freeing. Kendall not only gives the why but most importantly, the how. Based on a thorough study of scripture inspired by his own painful experience, this book is a must read, and must do, for anyone who claims to follow Christ. Beautiful Outlaw by John Eldredge “Reading the Gospels without knowing the personality of Jesus is like watching television with the sound turned off.” I’ve read several of Eldredge’s books and would recommend all of them, but this one had the greatest impact on me. Christians claim to love Jesus, but we can’t really love someone we don’t really know. Eldredge shows us “Jesus with skin on” – His playfulness, fierceness, extravagance. My favorite part is when he talks about turning the water into wine. Completely eye- and heart-opening. If you read no other book on this list (except the last one), read this. Heaven by Randy Alcorn We spend more time learning about our vacation destinations than about where we will spend The Vacation to End All Vacations, eternity. Forget harps, clouds, and never-ending church services. This is beyond all we can ask or imagine. I heard Alcorn interviewed about this book and picked it up. I didn’t realize it was 473 pages (small print, not including two appendices and footnotes). Seriously, how can anyone find enough information about heaven in the Bible to write 473 pages? Alcorn does, and boy howdy, it’s well worth the time. My favorite section is entitled Will We Drink Coffee in Heaven? (I know, you’re not surprised) Captivating by John and Stasi Eldredge and Lioness Arising by Lisa Bevere Why were women created? To be “helpmeets?” To bear children? To be second-fiddle, second-rate men? Two books full of truth and encouragement with differing styles. Captivating gently fills your heart with identity and healing. Lioness Arising pumps your blood with purpose. Read them both, and I recommend Captivating first. Disappointment with God by Philip Yancey After infertility and severe depression, my faith came this close to flatlining. I hadn’t turned my back, but I was definitely and defiantly keeping my distance. I felt more than disappointed with God. I felt betrayed. Everyone will experience God not behaving the way we want Him to. This book saved my faith. Yancey answers “three questions no one asks aloud: Is God unfair? Is God silent? Is God hidden?” Outside of the Bible itself, this is the most important book I’ve read, and largely responsible for the person I am today. Read it. You’ll thank me. In A Class All By Itself: The Bible If you know me at all, you knew this would be number one. The thing no one tells you is that it’s best to read it cover to cover, like a novel, not picked apart like an Encyclopedia (remember those?). When read like a book you realize themes, important chronology, context, and especially the heart-rending full-on character development of God, Mankind, and our complicated roller-coaster ride from In the Beginning to the New Heaven and Earth. This is YOUR story. YOU are in this book. If you do nothing else in your entire life, read the Bible, through in a year if you can at all (and you definitely can). This is the very best thing I do. Nothing has made, or can make, such a difference, right down to your DNA. So there you go. Which have you read? Which should I have left off? Which should I add? I’d love to hear from you. Thank you for reading, sharing, and commenting. If you’d like to receive these posts and updates in your inbox, please head to the Contact Page to subscribe.
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Transforming hearts, minds, and culture by connecting science, nature, and the God of the Bible.About CommentsI love to read comments and know how my work is helping you. Please respond with your first AND last names. Anonymous comments will not be read and may be deleted.
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